The Morris League : A Detective Play

A Detective Play by Bassett Kendall

ACT III

The same. 1 a.m. Dark.

(Fish is asleep in the large armchair. Enter very quietly from upstairs, Jenkinson; he is in trousers and dressing gown – carrying a camera and other apparatus. He goes up to the armchair; sees Fish and then tiptoes away L and fixes up his apparatus behind the screen, so that the camera commands the armchair. Then enter Shuttle R below: he begins searching about aimlessly without seeing Fish: as he passes in front of the chair, he trips over Fish’s legs and falls headlong on the floor, Fish wakes up.)

Fish. Cripes! What was that?

Shuttle. Lawks! ’Oos that?

(Jim comes quietly out of Bedroom 3 [G classroom] and looks over balcony.)

Fish. ’Ullo, you there: stop crawling about on the floor. Where’s my lantern? (He finds it and flashes it on Shuttle.) Oh, it’s you, is it? Get up. (Seizes him and pulls him up.)

Shuttle. Oh, it’s you constable. I was just coming to start my morning work –

Fish. None ’o that – that won’t do for P.C. Fish.

Shuttle. Swelp me, Constable, its the gorspel trewth. I always gets up early, being a punctual sort of feller and in the dark I tripped over your feet. I ’ope I didn’t ’urt you, constable.

(Jim returns to bedroom.)

Fish. Well, I ’opes I didn’t ’urt you, you blinking thief.

Shuttle. Never stole a thing in my life, I swear, constable.

Fish. Pack of blinking untrewths. Back to Princetown you goes in the morning, ’Arrison.

Shuttle. Lawks, Constable, you don’t think –

Fish. Shut yer mahth: Now, ’Arrison. you’d better come along quiet; and its my dooty to warn you that anything you says may be used against you.

Shuttle. But constable, you’re making a blooming error.

Fish. Error be blowed! I’ve got you, ’Arrison, and put that in your pipe and smoke it.

Shuttle. Strike me pink, Constable.

Fish. If you says another word, ’Arrison, I’ll rap you over the ’ead with my truncheon. Sit down there and keep your mouth shut. (Shuttle sits on settle.) Now then, what were you doing here? (Shuttle says nothing.) Oh, sulky, is it? (Shuttle is silent.) Open yer mouth if yer don’t want to be bashed over the ’ead.

Shuttle. ’Ere, Constable, that ain’t fair. Fust you tells me to shut me mouth and then to open me mouth. Which am I to do?

Fish. Shut it when I says nothing to yer, and open it when I asks you a question, yer blinking idiot.

Shuttle. Righto, constable, what d’yer want to know?

Fish. What were you doing just now?

Shuttle. Lookin’ for the dahmond.

Fish. Ah, I thought so. Well, where is it?

Shuttle. If I knew that, should I be ’ere looking for it?

Fish. You ought ter know, if anybody does, seein’ as you ’id it.

Shuttle. Oh, come orf that, constable; do I lock like a gentleman burglar?

Fish. Well, if you ain’t ’Arrison, wotjer want with the dahmond?

Shuttle. Garn! I’m not such a bloomin’ fool as to throw away the chanst of £5000 if it comes my way.

Fish. That means yer want to steal it –

Shuttle. Na. The laidy’s offered to give a reward of 5000 quid to anyone oo fahnds it.

Fish. Ah, As she now?

Shuttle. Be a sport, constable. ’Elp me to ’unt for it. We’ll go shares in the 5000.

Fish. I beant sure as that mightn’t be connahving in a felony.

Shuttle. Nah, you don’t see it right. Look ’ere: the lady wants her dahmond, don’t she?

Fish. I suppose she do.

Shuttle. That’s raat, oonstable, And you and me wants 5000 quid, don’t we?

Fish. Shouldn’t mind it, ’s far as that goes.

Shuttle. Righto. Let’s start with the floor. See if there’s any loose boards.

(They go down on hands and knees.)

Fish. This ’ere board sounds loose.

(Enter Ruggles. He flashes on torch and sees what they are doing.)

Ruggles. Hullo, constable, what in blazes are you doing? Playing at lions?

(Fish rises abashed.)

Fish. No, Sergeant, I was lookin’ for ’Arrison’s footprints.

Ruggles. And I suppose you were making the footprints for him to find.

Shuttle. Wot a wag you are, Sergeant; Did you ’ear that one, constable?

Ruggles. Clear out!

Fish. Oh, orl right.

Ruggles. No, not you. This waiter fellow.

Shuttle. Righto, Sergeant.

Ruggles. Quick, now. Go to bed – and stay there.

Shuttle. Goodnight, Sergeant. ’Ope you catch ’Arrison. (Exit Shuttle R.)

Ruggles. Now, constable, perhaps you’ll explain why you were crawling about on the floor.

Fish. Well, Sergeant, to tell you the honest truth, I thought it was my dooty to ’ave a look for the laidy’s dahmond.

Ruggles. And you got that fellow to help you?

Fish. Nao – I can’t rightly say as I got ’im to ’elp me.

Ruggles. Well, we’ll leave that, I’ll relieve you now.

Fish. Orl right. I be main sleepy. I’ll get along ’ome to bed.

Ruggles. Certainly not. You must stay on duty outside the front door.

Fish. Oh, not again.

Ruggles. Of course. Keep your eyes and ears open.

Fish. What abaht me mouth?

Ruggles. If you hear me whistle twice come in at once, otherwise you are not to enter that door whatever sounds you hear.

Fish. Not if I ’ear the sound of firearms?

Ruggles. If you hear a naval bombardment or a zeppelin raid, you stop outside the door, unless I whistle.

Fish. Oh, orl right. ’Ope you find the dahmond, Sergeant.

Ruggles. I dare say I’ll be more successful than you.

(Exit Fish.)

(Ruggles looks round the room and conceals himself in the door leading to the bar. Jenkinson comes in from screen and rearranges chair watched by Ruggles: a door opens upstairs L; Jenk. tiptoes back to screen. Fraser comes downstairs in pyjamas and dressing gown. He advances to armchair with candle, watched by Ruggles and Jenk. Suddenly as he is searching the armchair, Jenk. sneezes. Fraser starts.)

Fraser. Losh! Wha’s there?

(No answer. As he advances to screen, Jenk. slips round it. Fraser looks at camera etc., amazed. Jim appears on landing and looks over. Jenk. sneezes again: Fraser knocks down screen, revealing Jenk.)

Jenk. Lady Teazle, by all that’s –(sneeze.)

Fraser. Whativer are you doing here, Mr. Jenkinson?

Jenk. Catching my death of cold. I must get a warm up by the fire. (X to fire.)

Fraser. But what for is a’ this apparatus?

Jenk. Sh! Come over here. (Fraser X R.) The Sergeant is waiting in the bar to pounce on Harrison.

Fraser. Weel, I shall have the diamond before Harrison gets it.

Jenk. Would that be very wise?

Fraser. Why not? It would be in safe hands until I restore it to Lady Grubb –

Jenk. But don’t you see, man, if you start searching the armchair –

Fraser. What makes you think it’s concealed in the arm-chair?

Jenk. The acrostic, of course.

Fraser. Then you’ve solved it too?

Jenk. Half an hour ago,

Fraser. And you’ve got the diamond?

Jenk. No. I’m aiming higher than diamonds. If I can get a photo of Harrison’s arrest, I’m a made man. The editor would double my screw.

Fraser. Then it’s still in the armchair?

Jenk. As far as I know.

Fraser. Then here goes.

Jenk. Stop, man. Don’t you see that if you find the diamond, the Sergeant will at once nab you in mistake for Harrison, and I shall have your photo in the paper under the heading “Recapture of notorious jewel thief.

Fraser. I’m in a verry awkwarrd predeecament.

(Door opens upstairs L. Jim slips back. Then another door opens L. Jenk. returns to screen.)

Fraser. Losh! There’s somebody coming.

Jenk. There’s room for two behind my screen. (looks dubiously at Fraser.) At least I hope so.

(Jenk. and Fraser hide behind screen. Enter Sir D. top of stairs L. He is wearing a nightshirt and dress coat. Carrying candle and revolver. Whispers.)

Sir D. All saafe, Lizzie.

(Enter Lady G. in long loose dressing gown, hair in net.)

Lady G. Are you sure, dear?

Sir D. Ay. Ah’ve had a good look round,

Lady G. You go first, dear.

(They advance very cautiously downstairs. Half way down Lady G. speaks.)

Lady G. What a good thing you brought your revolver, dear.

Sir D. Ay. But Ah wish Ah’d remembered ma dressing gcon.

(Again they advance to armohair.)

Lady G. Now, dear, you stand on guard while I hunt.

(Sir D. stands back to her, with the candle straight in front of his eyes so as to obscure his vision. Candle and revolver shaking with cold and timidity. Jim watches again.)

Lady G. I think I feel something hard.

Sir D. Well, be quick, Lizzie, or Ah shall catch my death.

Lady G. Wrap your coat round you, dear,

Sir D. ’Taint maade for wrappin’, nor am Ah.

Lady G. I believe I’ve got it!

(Sir D. suddenly sneezes and extinguishes candle. Jenk. sneezes immediately afterwards.)

Lady G. What’s that?

Sir D. Ah sneezed.

Lady G. But somebody else sneezed.

Sir D. ’T must ’er been t’echo.

Lady G. Well, light the candle again, dear.

Sir D. T’wick’s too wet, and Ah’ve got noa matches.

(A door clicks L. Jim exit to room.)

Lady G. Somebody’s coming. What shall we do?

Sir D. Carry on, Lizzie; s’noa harm in tryin’ to get back our own property.

Lady G. But I can’t be seen like this? Quick, dear. (She seizes his coat tails and pulls him to the settle. They sit on it, feet up, facing one another. Enter above L Janet in pyjamas and burberry, carrying poker. She starts coming cautiously down stairs. Enter upstairs R Haskins, pyjamas, dressing gown, shotgun. He comes down R stairs. Both approach armchair on all fours: they get there simultaneously and look up cautiously, facing one another. Janet raises poker and Haskins covers her with gun.)

Haskins. Who are you, sir? Drop that stick or I shall plug you.

Janet. Why, it’s Mr. Haskins. What on earth are you doing with that gun.

Haskins. Oh, is that Miss Butterwick? I apologise.

Janet. I suppose you’re after the diamond too.

Haskins. After the 5000.

Janet. Of course. We seem to have solved the acrostic at the same moment.

Haskins. It was that confounded ASH that held me up.

Janet. Same here. Well shall we go into partnership. Find the stone and share the profits?

Haskins. Agreed.

(Door opens upstairs L. Both start.)

Janet. Somebody else solved it too, I’m going to ground!

(She hides under table.)

Haskins. There’s not room for another.

Janet. I’m afraid not, Mr. Haskins.

(Haskins rushes to settle, where he finds the Grubbs.)

Haskins. Oh, I beg your pardon,

(Goes to screen.) Curse! The place is swarming with diamond hunters. (Hides behind window curtains.)

(Prof. enters upstairs L, knocks gently at Jim’s door, Jim emerges.)

Prof. About time to get to work, Jim.

Jim. Yes. The room’s full of people, though, rather queers our pitch.

Prof. Do we carry on?

Jim. Yes. We shall see it through. You do the searching. I’ll cover the operations with my gun.

Prof. Is the Sergeant there?

Jim. In the bar.

Prof. Then I must expect a rough time. Well, it’s worth it.

Jim. Oh, he’ll nab you all right. That’s where I come in.

(Prof. goes down L stairs and X to armchair. Jim stands on lower part of stairs with revolver. Everyone watching Prof. as he turns chair round facing Jim and pulls out the stuffing.)

Prof. I don’t believe the wretched thing’s here at all.

(He continues searching and finds diamond. Ruggles has come up behind him and now seizes him. Struggle ending with the Prof. falling through the seat of armchair. Everyone has emerged in excitement. Just as Prof. falls trough chair, Jenk. takes flash-light photo. This makes Sir D. jump so much that his revolver goes off, whereupon Lady G. screams. As Haskins comes from curtains, he leaves them gaping, revealing Fish’s nose pressed against glass.)

Ruggles. (quietly, as the noise subsides.) So – I’ve got you, Harrison.

Jenk. And I’ve got the lot of you.

Lady G. What does he mean?

Sir D. He only took a photo, Lizzie.

Lady G. Oh! And me like this.

(All the lights go up. Guppy appears, also Shuttle.)

Guppy. Is anybody hurt? What’s happened, Sergeant?

Ruggles. I’ve got Harrison – that’s all.

Guppy. Where is he?

Ruggles. (Pointing to Prof. still struggling in chair.) There. I suspected that bald head from the first; you can’t grow your hair long in a day, but you can shave it. Now, Harrison, hand over the diamond.

Prof. I’m afraid it’s in my trouser packet, officer. It’s a little difficult to get at it in this position. If you will assist me...

Ruggles. You were always one for a joke, Harrison. I like you the better for it. (Ruggles pulls Prof. up.) Now then.

Prof. There you are, Sergeant. An ill-gotten gain. (Hands diamond.)

Lady G. Oh, thank you, Sergeant. You shall have the reward, of course.

Sir D. I’ll go upstairs and wraate a cheque at once.

Ruggles. Thank you, Sir David, and you too, my lady, I’m sure: and I won’t say no to your very generous offer. But I’ve only done my duty. Before I can accept the reward I shall have to ask permission from Headquarters: you understand, my Lady, that I shall have to take up the diamond, as evidence.

Lady G. I cant see what they want it at Scotland Yard for.

Sir D. Sergeant knows t’roapes, Lizzie: you doant.

Ruggles. It’ll be returned to you in a few days’ time, my lady. Come along, Harrison, you must have on the bracelets. (Prof. puts hands in pockets.)

Jim. (Not yet showing revolver.) One moment, Sergeant –

Ruggles. I’ll deal with you later.

Jim. You must deal with me now. What’s your charge against your prisoner?

Ruggles. He’s the escaped convict, Michael Harrison –

Jim. What proof have you of that?

Ruggles. We all saw him go straight to that armchair and abstract the diamond. No one but Harrison knew where it was hidden.

Jim. Except a large number of people present in this room, to whom Harrison by an ingenious acrostic revealed the hiding place. On that evidence you may as well arrest almost the whole of the present company. Everyone except Mr. Guppy and myself have had a go for the diamond in the last half hour.

Jenk. Not guilty. I was only after photographs.

Ruggles. It’s no good arguing, young man. I know this fellow’s Harrison as well as he does himself. (Jim comes down to stage.)

Prof. That’s the first true remark you’ve made in the last 10 hours, because both you and I know perfectly well that you are Harriscn. (He laughs – so does Ruggles.)

Ruggles. Well, for coolness and cheek you want a bit of beating. Prof. Prof. I have one very close competitor.

Ruggles. I can’t waste my time in backchat. Come along.

Jim. What are you proposing to do with your prisoner, sergeant?

Ruggles. Take him straight up to Scotland Yard in my car.

Jim. So that you may murder him, as 10 hours ago you murdered Sergeant Robinson of the Peterborough police about a mile from here on the Peterborough road, so as to make use of his uniform.

Ruggles. Look here, young gentleman, a joke’s a joke but this is going too far.

Jim. Oh yes, your plan is perfectly obvious. You mean to carry off my father in your car –

Ruggles. Your father!

Prof. As a matter of fact I do happen to be his father. We’re both in the same service and were detailed for this job together by the Yard.

Fraser. D’ye mean to say that ye’re baith detectives?

Jim. That’s it, Mr. Fraser. As I was saying, this Sergeant Ruggles of ours intended to murder my father, hide the body, and then disappear into thin air – or take the boat for the continent in another ingenious disguise. One thing is quite certain, Lady Grubb, your diamond would have gone with him.

Lady G. Which is the detective, dear, and which is Harrison?

Sir D. Shut up, Lizzie.

Ruggles. Very ingenious, sir, and who do you think is going to believe this story without proofs?

Prof. We have quite a number of proofs, Sergeant Ruggles. As a member – of the Police Force – you must knew what store we set by the evidence of finger prints. We naturally brought down with us specimens of Harrison’s finger prints. While you were engaged in that ingenious cross examination after tea, I took the liberty of paying a little visit to your car. On the steering wheel were prints which bore a curious resemblance to the specimens in our possession.

Jim. We also found the same prints on the notes which were brought to us containing the acrostic – and, Sergeant Ruggles, on the underclothing of your colleague, whose dead body was brought into the police station this evening.

Ruggles. You’ve not seen the body.

Jim. How do you know that?

Ruggles. I – went over myself to investigate.

Prof. No. no, Sergeant Ruggles – there were other members of the Peterborough police force there by that time: you were not so imprudent as to venture farther than the “Blue Boar” garage where you prepared your two-seater Morris for a hurried departure. Yet in spite of my age, I clambered down a water pipe from my bedroom window and paid a little call at the police station, where your colleagues welcomed me like a long lost brother, when I showed them a little ticket under the lapel of my coat.

Jim. If you want one more piece of evidence, Sergeant, do you remember that my fountain pen began to leak last night? I wanted immediate proof whether you had written the acrostic or not: if you had, it must have been done in the room beyond the,bar. You all observed how the Sergeant pressed his blotting paper on me to prevent my going into the other room –

Lady G. And I thought what a polite officer he was.

Sir D. Do shut up. Lizzie.

Jim. I went into the other room and there I found traces of the acrostic reversed on the blotting paper.

Fraser. But last night Sergeant Ruggles hissen pointed cut the question of motive. If he were Harrison, wouldna he hae juist sneekit the diamond and bolted?

Jim. That puzzled us at first – then we saw through it. Harrison must have known that there would be detectives in the hotel: he knew the room would be watched; he couldn’t just sneak the diamond. But he was the only man who knew where it was. He hit on the ingenious device of giving us all a clue to the hiding place. It didn’t matter to him who he arrested, it was to be the first person who found the stone –

Prof. Which by a piece of bad luck happened to be me.

Jim. Having made the arrest he would have gone off with the prisoner and the diamond – but none of them would have reached Scotland Yard.

Ruggles. You two fellows have got me fair puzzled! I can’t make out now which of you is Harrison.

Prof. Harrison is something just between us.

Ruggles. My only course is to arrest you both. (Blows whistle twice. Fish enters at once.) Constable, arrest that man. I’ll look after this fellow.

Fish. (To Jim.) It’s my dooty to warn you that anything you say may be used against you.

(He advances to Jim and finds a revolver held to his stomach.)

Jim. And I warn you that if you annoy me, this may be used against you.

Fish. Cripes! What do we do now, Sergeant?

Jim. Look here, constable (Shows his Scotland Yard badge.)

Fish. Wot’s that? Stooard at a whist drive?

Jim. No, no, constable, – a Scotland Yard badge.

Fish. Beg pardon, sir, I’m sure.

Jim. Now will you oblige me by arresting that man?

Fish. Wot – the Sergeant? Ah think it’s contrary to Police regulations to arrest yer sooperior horficor, sir.

Prof. Well, naw we’re at a deadlock.

Jim. Now, constable, a Sergeant has ordered you to arrest me: a Scotland Yard detective has ordered you to arrest the Sergeant. What do you do?

Fish. (After a moment’s thought.) I arrests yer both – claps yer in the cells and telephones Scotland Yard to come and make their choice.

Prof. The judgement of Solomcn!

Jim. I agree. (A considerable pause.)

Ruggles. You’ve won – curse you. (He hands diamond to Jim.)

Fish. (As he handcuffs Ruggles.) It’s my dooty to warn you that anything you says be used against you.

Prof. If you want further proof against him, Constable, when you have him safely in a cell, pull his hair: it’ll yield to treatment.

Fish. You’d better come quiet, Sergeant – my man, Ah mean.

(As Ruggles and Fish turn round, Jenk. takes another photo.)

Fish. Cripes!

Jenk. Sorry, you people: I had to get one of the right arrest.

Ruggles. (At door.) Gocdnight, everyone: I’m afraid this time it’s goodbye.

Fish. Mr. Guppy, I’ll be back in half a jiff for my pint.

(Exeunt Fish and Ruggles.)

Jim. I’d better go with them: goodnight!

Lady G. Which is Harrison? Because Mr. Brand’s going off with my diamond.

Jim. Sorry, Lady Grubb: I forgot I’d got it. (Jim hands it to her.) Goodnight, all.

All. Gocdnight and congratulations.

(Exit Jim.)

Jenk. Well, that’s that. Now, what about a drink?

Fraser. I second that proposal.

Janet. We’ll drink long life to the Morris League.

All. Hear! Hear!

Sir D. We’ll ’ave some champagne – and me and Lady Grubb’ll stand it.

Shuttle. That’ll mean some for me afterwards.

Sir D. Mr. Guppy.

Guppy. Sir.

Sir D. Bring ’oop ’alf a dozen bottles of champagne – best in t’cellar.

Guppy. It’s a little after closing hours, sir –

Jenk. Almost time to re-open.

Guppy. But I think I can stretch a point on an occasion like this.

Prof. You have the authority of the police for doing so, Mr. Guppy.

Guppy. Thank you, sir. (Exit Guppy.)

(Sir D. tactfully draws Prof. aside.)

Sir D. Well, sir on behalf of Lady Grubb and myself, we wishes to express our sincere appreciation of what you and your son has done for us. I won’t insult you by offering to pay you the reward which Lady Grubb offered.

Lady G. Oh, don’t you think so dear! It might come in so useful.

Sir D. Shoot oop, Lizzie. But as a small memento of a very uncomfortable evening, I hope you’ll both accept a 1929 fabric sunshine Rolls.

Lady G. One for each, dear. That’ll just about make up the £5000.

Prof. Thank you very much, Sir David. Of course Jim must answer for himself. Personally I shouldn’t feel at home in a Rolls. So if you won’t think me rude I’ll stick to my Morris. A Rolls wouldn’t suit my style of beauty.

Sir D. Ay, that’s what’s struck me more’n anything else.

Prof. What?

Sir D. The wonderful nature of your make-up.

Prof. Thank you, Sir David, I’m sure you mean that as a compliment. As a matter of fact, it happens to be my natural face.

CURTAIN